For some reason, the Portland Mercury thinks that the comparatively rare breed of Republican kitten in Multnomah County needs help getting adopted, as opposed to the more common Democratic variety, a typical Leftist failure to understand economic principles. In response to their column . . .
Here at the Multnomah County Republican Party, we're terribly concerned about the rising number of homeless Democratic kittens—which is why we're devoting space on our website this week to cats considered unadoptable. WILL YOU OPEN YOUR HEART AND HOME TO ONE OF PORTLAND'S UBIQUITOUS DEMOCRATIC KITTENS?
Meet Wimpy, the Portland Mercury Kitten. He's a two-month-old, ginger tabby who loves warm snuggles. Also...
- Wimpy is a committed atheist who worships government scientists instead of God, and knows that anyone who questions anything a government scientist says must have something seriously wrong with them. Wimpy firmly believes that only by doing everything that government experts tell us can we avoid an environmental apocalypse.
- Wimpy loves wrestling with balls of yarn, and giving affectionate "head butts" during cuddle time.
- Wimpy is terrified that fossil fuel use is about to put Portland deep under water, since he cannot swim, and believes that we need to pay billionaires to make poor quality low carbon fuels that no one wants to keep the polar ice caps from melting.
- Wimpy is a lazy but loving cat, that you can stretch out over any piece of furniture.
- Wimpy doesn't believe that there should be any countries, especially America, because we are all just citizens of the world, and we should all live under repressive totalitarian governments that destroy the economy and make everyone suffer equally, except for our glorious leaders.
- Wimpy enjoys napping in the sunshine, and his gentle snoring sounds like a teeny-tiny race car.
- Wimpy objects to being classified as a male cat, and believes that gender is just a myth. Wimpy would prefer a household with human residents who have been neutered like him, and thus vote Democratic.
- Who's that hiding in the pant leg of your jeans? Why, it's Wimpy!
- Wimpy believes that EBT cards should be used to buy pet food, and looks forward to living in a household that is willing to claim him as an additional dependent so that he can have three or four cans of Fancy Feast every day.
- Wimpy enjoys licking her tiny little paws and cleaning her tiny little face! TOO... CUTE!
To adopt Wimpy, please contact The Portland Mercury at 503-294-0840.
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